me’s blog

Earlier this week I had my first HIV test since my random hospitalization in a London hospital during the summer of 1997.  My first test in NINE YEARS.  My first test since BEFORE I began using drugs and engaging in countless other reckless behaviors.  The palpably paralyzing power of my silently internalized fear - that goddamn fear of the unknown - cannot be sufficiently communicated in words, but perhaps can be most clearly evidenced by the very fact that it kept me from learning the truth for so many years.  Fortunately I didn’t have to wait a few days to find out the results like my dear friend Rose Nylund did.  No, five minutes after pricking my finger, the doctor walked out and handed me a card with the word "negative" circled on it.

Never have I found such relief in negativity.

Of course, as the day of the test grew close, I really started thinking about what it was that had kept me from getting tested for so long.  Obviously while I was in LA, getting tested was the LAST thing on my mind.  I didn’t even have a doctor out there.  And when I think about it, that fear of the unknown is probably one of the major contributing factors that kept me from becoming positive all that time.  While I’m sure I wasn’t always 100% careful, I was definitely aware and afraid of the risks and, well, let’s just say I was far more careful than a lot of people I knew during that time.  Thank God I’m such a pussy!

I know many people with HIV these days live perfectly healthy lives for many years, but a large part of me was just not ready to find out that I had yet another fatal disease.  I’ve already got the disease of addiction which, if untreated, will be the death of me.  Fortunately, I’ve learned how to keep that threat at bay.  But HIV is not something I know how to live - or die - with.  I see my mom, with her incurably advanced breast cancer, strongly soldiering through day after day with a big-ass smile on her face.  She’s still up and around 7 years after the doctors gave her a prognosis of 3-5 years tops.  I see her and I think, do I have that in me?  That awe-inspiring "I Will Survive"-ness?  Were I to find out I’m HIV-positive, would I surrender to it and let it consume and destroy me, or would I fight it and deal with it and take care of myself while I keep on living this gift of a life?

With the combined comforts of Monday’s test results and God-given genetics on our side, feel free to hedge your bets. 

Mom and I ain’t goin’ nowhere.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 13th, 2006 at 10:16 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.