me’s blog

I just woke up from a very strange dream, and since I never write down or remember my dreams I thought this time I’d immediately record what I remember of it, in the hopes that both of my faithful readers might be able to help me interpret and make some sense of it.  (I know one of the two is studying psychology…)  And let me preface this by saying that I only have a fleeting knowledge of Liza Minnelli.  I liked her in the movie "Cabaret" the one time I saw it like 15 years ago,  Her recent work on "Arrested Development" was awesome, and her song "Liza With A ‘Z’" makes me laugh.  That, her addiction issues, and her bizarro marriage to David Gest are basically all I know about her.  So don’t go thinking this is just the star-gazing fantasy of some little homosexual’s subconscious.  I ain’t that gay.

I’m deducing that this dream must have taken place while I was still in college, because in it I am still studying drama and some of the unpaid "dream extras" are theater colleagues of mine from the Duke years.  [Cut me some slack jack.  Verb tense consistency is hard when relating a dream.]  Apparently word has gotten out that Liza Minnelli is coming to teach a class or direct a show or something.  This excites me, because for some reason which can only be explained by dream logic, I seem to think that she will be doing the sort of theater that interests me, eschewing Duke’s penchant for mainstream big-budget fluff in favor of more experimental, smaller, developmental, offbeat cabaret-ish stuff.  Although I am looking forward to the opportunity of potentially working with her, for some reason I know deep down that I will somehow once again be passed over for what would have been an incredible experience.  So anyway, she’s picking out people for her class or whatever.  Oh, and it seems she’s taught there in the past, because some of the older students have worked with her before and have this familial rapport with her as if they’d known each other their whole lives, so she picks them to work with again.  I do not get picked, and I’m pouty.  And we’re outside by the way, at the top of this huuuuuuuge grassy hill.  Liza points down to the last in a row of little one-story houses at the bottom of the hill and announces that that is where she’ll be staying, and we can clearly see all of her stuff (furniture, boxes, etc.) piled up in front of and around it, waiting to be moved inside.  It’s at this point that she reveals to everyone that she brought her dog to town with her.  All of her former students are excited, because apparently this is a very awesome, very beloved dog.  She says that she will need someone to stay at her place and take care of her dog while she’s in town, and everyone’s all, "Oh Liza, I’ll do it, let me…"  So she opens her car door, and this cute (but not obnoxiously so) little white dog comes running out and practically tackles me with love, licking me and running circles around me and only me.  So Liza says, "Wow, she really likes you, will you watch her?"  And I tell her that I’d be happy to, and all the other students are pissed.  So Liza and I turn to go down the hill to her house, at which point we notice that all of the possessions outside the house are gone and have been replaced by bales of hay.  She starts screaming "Nooooo!" and goes running down the hill.  When we arrive at the door, she tries to go inside but she can’t get in.  Suddenly a ton of people whom I can best describe as Hollywood-attractive amusement park costumed character types dressed up as Wild West bandits appear all around the perimeter of the house.  One of the cute scruffy young guys comes up to her and says with a slight drawl, "You didn’t really think we were gonna let you get away with this, didja?" 

Then I woke up.

Please, if you’ve read this, help me understand.  Leave a comment below.  What do you think this dream means???

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day (or as I prefer to refer to it, V.D.).  After trudging through the snow and arriving at a rather empty office, I was treated to the following spam message in my inbox, which I thought I’d share with both of my faithful readers on the morning after.  May it begin to thaw the coldest cockles of your corazon as it did mine, only to leave you breathlessly hanging mid-swoon, forever never knowing how this potentially epic romance (or at the very least, this tentative ode’s second sentence) would’ve played out.  Happy Feb. 15!

—–Original Message—–
To: medc2la@aol.com
Subject: High-quality drugs for you.

Your eyes just seem to melt my heart

It’s been said that a picture is worth a thousand words.

Below is a photo of me celebrating my friend Jovette’s birthday at The Abbey in Los Angeles during the summer of 2002, six months before I hit bottom and got sober.  In case you cannot tell, I am the (LITERALLY!) 110-pound mess of a twig on the left, ironically clad in a t-shirt bearing the phrase "I LOVE ME".

I’ve used some cutting edge photographic technology to splice a close-up of me in 2002 with an image of what I might’ve ended up looking like in 20 years if I hadn’t gotten sober (and if I’d spent too much time in the sun while getting beaten by my no-good washed-up R&B singin’ husband).  Once again, in case it’s unclear, I am the one on the left, the one whose arm flows effortlessly into the chinchilla wrap on the right.

Last but not least, here is me in August 2002 on the left, and me in January 2007 on the right.  I think the changes speak for themselves.

What do you think, my two faithful readers (one of whom is Brett)?  Comments?

Four years ago today I was beginning a 4-day stint in jail for possession of a small amount of crystal methamphetamine.

Four years ago today I was thousands of miles away - geographically and emotionally - from anybody who would have cared or even noticed if I’d lived or died.

Four years ago today I was jobless, penniless, homeless, hopeless.

Four years ago today I surrendered willingly to the disease of addiction, at which point I was finally able to begin treating it.

Four years ago today I was given a second chance at life, and I grabbed it with all my might and haven’t let go since.

In the past 1,461 days my life has done a complete 180.  One day at a time, I’ve put together an existence that is simple, satisfying, serene, and stable.  It seems I’m smiling all the damn time these days, sometimes for no reason whatsoever.  My life is full of love, happiness, family, friendship, peace, laughter and music.  Regardless of what the tweakers say, believe me, the music sounds SO much better sober. 

To quote a great song called "Me", by Kina:

"I’m just me - I’m enough
With myself I’m in love
I’ve been weak - I’ve been low
Made me strong - Now I know
I’m just me - I’m enough
Nothing less nothing more
I wish everybody could just feel this kind of love."

I do wish everybody could just feel this kind of love.

Big thanks to all of you for being a part of me.

Love, life, and laughter (and, admittedly, just a touch of cheese),

-me

P.S. - It’s also the 6-month anniversary of my first blog entry.  Props to both of my faithful readers, you know who you are.

P.P.S. - Thank you Joe Miles, for making my day with this link.