me’s blog

Sorry folks.  As a result of blogging at work on a computer that has no sound, apparently I posted the wrong videoclip for my current favorite song - "Fascination" by Alphabeat - in my Footloose blog last week.  What I posted was the remix version which, while decent enough, doesn’t come close to matching the irresistible energy of the original version.  Since I literally dared my three faithful readers not to dance to the video I posted and then provided the clip for the subpar and not even remotely Footloose-inspired remix, I figured I’d better right this heinous wrong before the villagers come after me with torches and pitchforks after successfully remaining seated and still for the entire remix video.  Though I guess it would only be three people coming after me, which is kind of a funny image….

So here we go again.  I assure you that this time I’m posting the correct video for the original version of the song, accompanied by my sincerest apologies for last week’s mistake.  It’s Friday, which is a perfect time to crank up the volume and enjoy the hell outta this infectious confection.  Once again, I dare you not to get up and dance. 

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you "Fascination" by Alphabeat.

Here’s a little anecdote for those who wonder where I get my sense of humor.

One year ago today, my then 68 year-old father had knee replacement surgery.  As most men of a certain age seem to be, he was nervous and somewhat inherently distrustful of the hospital staff.  It wasn’t so much the fear that they didn’t know what they were doing, but rather a more general and understandable concern that goes along with putting one’s ability ever to walk again into the hands of virtual strangers.  Also he was in a Prince George’s County hospital, so while he knew and trusted his surgeons, there were no assumptions or guarantees of stellar care in the days after the operation.  My sister and I agreed to take turns sleeping in a chair in the hospital room for a few nights.  That way whenever he opened his eyes he’d see a face that he knew, and if he woke up in the middle of the night and needed anything, we’d be there to help out.  SuperMom took the day shifts.

While Mom and Amy and I were watching The Price Is Right in the hospital waiting room during the hours immediately following the procedure, someone came in and told us that the surgery had gone well and that they were moving Dad to his recovery room.  A little while later they told us we could go in and see him.  He was not yet conscious, but we sat there for an hour or so until he started slowly opening his eyes.  He was obviously still very doped up and couldn’t even speak, but he did smile when he saw all of us standing around him.

After drifting in and out of consciousness for the next hour or so, he eventuallly began attempting to string sounds together in unintelligibly noble attempts to make words.  As he ambled down the slow road to coherence, some nurses with thick Filipino accents came in to help make sure he was in minimal discomfort.  They adjusted his pillows and his position on them, all the while calling him "Pop" - since he was clearly our father - and asking him if he was comfortable.  Dad seemed to be getting frustrated, which he later told us was because he thought they were calling him "Bob", which led him to wonder if there had been some mixup and maybe he had been moved to the wrong room and was getting the wrong assistance or something.  A valid concern when you’re all doped up and having trouble elocuting your thoughts.

Finally, he managed to emphatically slur together the words, "My name’s not Bob!"

One of the nurses leaned into him and very gently asked him what he would like to be called. 

Dad’s woozy yet perfectly timed deadpan reply?

"’Your Excellency’ would be just fine."

Anyone who’s met me probably knows that I’m not a huge fan of winter.  Sure it can be pretty when snow accumulates, but there hasn’t been much of that ’round these parts lately.  We usually just get a "wintery mix" of sleet and rain and slush, just enough to make it a pain in the neck to go anywhere but not enough to shut down the places we need to go.  And my extremely cold-sensitive appendages make me extremely intolerant of low temperatures.  This year I purchased an inch-thick pair of Alpine socks for $20 (more than I’ve ever paid for a pair of socks in my life), and I wore them so much I literally bore a hole through them.  So that helped.  But no pair of gloves has ever satisfactorily kept my hands warm, and the rest of my body would rather just stay inside under blankets in front of the tv than brave the Arctic outdoors for anything other than a mandatory obligation.

All this is merely background information to help put today’s message into perspective which, perhaps obviously, is that I LOVE SPRING.  Seriously!  It kinda blows my mind a little every year.  I always get a little bit surprised and amazed when the flowers start popping back out and the trees start blossoming anew.  Last summer I had my first go at gardening in the tiny patch of dirt in front of my apartment, and just last week I noticed that some of the things I planted are COMING BACK!  That’s just INSANE!

Some of you may have heard me talk about my favorite day of the year.  It occurs every year, and it falls on or around April 20.  This year was no exception.  It’s the one day after a couple weeks of tentative moves towards spring when, seemingly out of nowhere, the trees can no longer be seen through and winter is officially over.  It’s also the day when everything outside suddenly turns a stunningly incandescent shade of bright, almost yellowish green.  This particularly iris-searing hue only lasts about a week.  Or maybe it lasts all summer but our eyes become used to it.  I’m not sure which.  Regardless, it’s an awe-inspiring phenomenon, one that brings me a lot of joy, and one that should be appreciated as much as possible before it fades. 

Rather than spend too much time trying to describe it, I’ll just show you some pictures I took yesterday en route to work.  We’ll let the green speak for itself.  I assure you that there has been no color-enhancement done to these photos, nor were there any fancy photography tricks or special lighting when the pictures were taken.  Just my digital camera on a cloudy Tuesday morning. 

Once you’ve enjoyed the pics, GET OFF THE DAMN COMPUTER AND GET YOUR ASS OUTSIDE!

After setting the mood last night with some YouTube clips from and inspired by the 80’s, some friends and I kicked off our Sunday shoes and attempted to watch the movie Footloose.  My memories of this movie were spotty at best, primarily because the last time I watched it must have been 15-20 years ago.  I’d completely forgotten that a pre-Garnier Nutrisse SJP was one of Ariel’s giggly best friends.  And apparently John Lithgow never had hair.  The only things I did remember were the movie’s insanely hit-laden soundtrack, the moment when Kevin Bacon slides down the apparently pre-lubed railing in the "Never" dance sequence, Ariel’s red "f***-me" boots, the game of Tractorchicken, the phrase "jump back!", and the guy picking his nose at the dance while "Almost Paradise" played in the background.  [My sister and I used to rewind that particular moment and watch it 50-or-so times on Beta and laugh our butts off 'cuz it's really funny when you're 10.]

As all three of my faithful readers will undoubtedly recall, normally I’m a bit of a movie-watching stickler.  But last night the boys and I got all jacked up on Tab, a delicious 80’s cola that turns you into a mind sticker and helps you keep your shape in shape.  I mean after watching this commercial, how could we resist?

Once the Tab was flowing through our veins, all movie-watching etiquette quickly went out the window.  We were all laughing and screaming and joking and having a blast while the movie chuggered (is that a word?) on nobly in the background.  Long story short:  Footloose?  Is filthy.  It’s a shockingly PG-rated movie chock-full of adult language, phallic imagery, homoerotic subtext, and a positively R-worthy pube-n-butt-baring scene in the gym showers which I swear I have no childhood recollection of whatsoever.  Not to mention the fact that Dianne Weist has always looked more than a tad wanton to me, and free-spirit daredevil Ariel (played by Lori Singer) constantly seems to be vibrating on an "electric ear cleaner" of her own.  Where is Lori Singer now?  According to the scant info provided on Wikipedia, she’s a Julliard-trained cellist who most recently performed as a soloist at Carnegie Hall earlier this year.  This cello thing could explain her character’s tendency towards incessant vibration, especially when the actress is so used to having a giant wooden instrument erectly positioned betwixt her thighs. 

But I digress.  At one point during the movie I literally blew my own mind - a lesser-known side effect of drinking Tab.  During the scene when Kevin Bacon and that other dude are playing Tractorchicken, and Kevin gets his shoelace caught on the pedal or whatever, my Tabbed-up brain made the connection that the only reason Kevin wins the game is why???  Because he couldn’t get his… wait for it… foot loose.

Is it possible that I’m the first person to ever think of that?  Shouldn’t that win me a prize or something?  Maybe some red "f***-me" boots?  Or a hose-fight (!) with Kevin Bacon at the car wash?

I’ll let you bask in my moment of brilliance for a bit while you watch the video for my current favorite song, a song obviously inspired by the wild and crazy antics of Ren, Ariel, and the rest of the wacky gang from Bomont, CO.  As my dear groupie David said regarding this video, I dare you not to get up and dance. 

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you "Fascination" by Alphabeat. 

Quite possibly the coolest thing I have ever seen in Washington, DC:

Before she passed away, my grandmother would send me a piece of fake gum in the mail every year for April Fools Day.  When my dad was in elementary school, apparently on at least one occasion she slipped a cardboard chocolate bar in his school lunch.
Ha!  Oh how I wish I could have been at that lunch table.

So here’s a little April Fools ritual I’ve honed over the years, inspired
by the playful antics of my dearly departed Sophia Petrillo-esque grandmother, Ann Bailer.  May it bring you as much joy as it has brought me, and as I know it brought her while she was alive.

1.  Purchase a pack of Juicy Fruit gum - no, not Stride - and unwrap it at one end.

2.  Gently slide each of the individual foil-wrapped sticks from the
pack.  Be sure not to remove the small white paper bands which hold
each stick in its place.  Those must remain fully intact inside the
pack.

3.  Carefully unfold each foil wrapper just enough to remove the stick of gum within.

4.  Trace the outlines of however many sticks of gum are in the pack
onto the thin gray cardboard backing from a legal pad or some other
similarly colored, weighted, and textured paper stock.

5.  Cut the cardboard along the outlines, ideally with a paper-cutter.
Just to be safe, err on the side of cutting the pieces just a hair
smaller than the originals.

6.  Wrap each cardboard stick in one of the foil wrappers.

7.  Gently slide each wrapped cardboard stick back into the pack.  Be
careful to get each one inside one of the white paper bands.  This can
be tricky, but just be patient.  Also make sure that the folds in the wrappers are
all facing the same way as you reinsert them into the pack.  This is crucial to selling the prank.

8.  Offer your friends (and, of course, your enemies) a piece of "gum". 

Note:  It’s a good idea to have some real gum stashed in another pocket to give your friends (screw your enemies!) as a reward for being a good sport.  Also, for best results, try pulling this prank in a dark place like a
movie theater or a nightclub.  It actually doesn’t matter though,
because it will quickly become apparent that some people will put
anything in their mouths.

And there you have it.  I have now passed this knowledge on to you, my faithful readers.  If
next April Fools Day rolls around and you happen to remember this, try
it out and let me know how it goes.  If you don’t remember, well, let’s
just say I hope to run into you in a dark place so I can give you something to chew on.

Wait, that TOTALLY came out wrong.